Infertility to Adoption – Part 1 “You Will Never Have Children”

It’s been 10 years ago since I found out I would never get pregnant. Since I was told, you will never have children, you have infertility.

It’s been 10 years since I was told I would never be able to have children. And it’s still an emotional thing to write about. I’m actually shedding a few tears as I type this in my basement office on a Friday night. My husband is working in the garage on his favorite car, and I’m writing this to you gals. We had no idea what our future would hold in this picture. We were so young. Look at that handsome hunk I married. Ok, I’ll get back on track. 😉

I still get emotional when I talk about my infertility.

I’m on day one of my period, so I’m a little extra emotional and crampy. The other half a gluten-free beer I stuck in the freezer from dinner is waiting on me. I’ll drink that when I’m finished writing for the night. I always have one drink a night during my period. It helps to dull the pain, the physical pain, and has to be safer than pain pills. I’m so tired of eating ibuprofen around the clock the first 3 days of my cycle.

So back to the story, about 11 years ago, I went off birth control. I was 27, and my husband was 29. We had been married for about 5 years and we were ready to let nature take it’s course. We were excited about the idea of having a baby. And I had visions of what that dream baby would look like. She would have my husbands olive skin and curly hair, both our blue eyes, and she would be the most beautiful baby I had ever laid eyes on. Any one else do this? You visualize what your future children look like and imagine what your life will be like.

Six months in, not pregnant.

I had told my gynecologist that sometimes sex was painful and other times not. That I had to urinate more often that I thought was normal. I was diagnosed with Intersistal Cystitis, a painful bladder syndrome that can cause bladder and pelvic pain. After receiving the normal treatment for that and I did notice a reduction in frequency of urination, but still had abdominal and intestinal pain.

Nine months in, still not pregnant.

A year later, still not pregnant.

I was beginning to wonder if something was wrong with me. Maybe my husband had something going on? Did we need to see someone about infertility?

September 2008, Charleston, South Carolina.

We were on our first trip to Folly Beach with our pals Dave and Kristin. A day or so into vacation, I started feeling really bad. Nausea, severe abdominal pain and lack of appetite with extreme fatigue sent me to the emergency room for the first time in my life. I had never felt this bad, ever.

I went to the hospital. I had never felt this bad.

Then I was admitted to the hospital, and I was confused. Why was I being asked if I had ever had a tubal pregnancy? STD’s? An abortion? The answer to all these questions was no. No I haven’t. I was pumped full of antibiotics, only given IV’s for fluid and told I may need surgery. So no food, nothing other than ice chips. None of this made sense. What was happening to my body?

After tests and exams, we had a little more information. I had been told I had some type of growths or tumors attached to my reproductive organs, I was crushed. Did this mean I wouldn’t be a mom? And my husband would never father children? The thoughts were devastating.

What kind of tumor was this? Will this cause life long infertility?

After sensing that no one really knew what was going on, I asked to be released. We were 4 hours from home and I was not going to have surgery in another state if I could help it. A day later, my sweet husband drove me home. That was the first time I had ever been in the car in my pjs. I don’t know why I remember that. Maybe it’s because I was embarrassed to walk in the gas station to use the bathroom half way home like that. It seemed like it took an entire day to drive home. We had never been so glad to walk into that pretty one hundred year old house we lived in at the time.

I was still uneasy, and wanting to know, what is growing in me? After being referred to an Oncology Gynecologist, I was unsure of what would happen.  Do I have cancer? Surely not. I am only 28.

Want to read the next blog in this series? Infertility to Adoption – Part 2

Here are links to the full Infertility to Adoption Series:

Infertility to Adoption – Part 1 “You Will Never Have Children”

Infertility to Adoption – Part 2 “You May Have Cancer”

Infertility to Adoption – Part 3 “Is IVF for us?”

Infertility to Adoption – Part 4 “Life on Hold”

Infertility to Adoption – Part 5 “Ordained Friendship”

Infertility to Adoption – Part 6 “Foster Care Class”

Infertility to Adoption – Post 7 “Bring on the babies”

Infertility to Adoption – Post 8 “How long do we get to stay together?”

Infertility to Adoption – Post 9 “1 to 4 kids”

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Monica

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